Clammy-Handed Subway Employee Prepares Food Poisoning

BY THE FROTHY SEA

Valdosta, GA – Since two weeks ago when he was first hired, Subway employee William Robert Faulkner Bourbon has been making food poisoning rather than sandwiches for patrons with his clammy hands.

“Look y’all, I’m real sorry, but my hands are just ’bout stickier than a pig’s belly in July,” said Bourbon while putting together a bologna club sandwich for Denise Morris, mother of eight children by seven men. After squirting five teaspoons of mayonnaise onto the sandwich, Bourbon remarked, “Wow, would you look at that? It’s all floatin’ ’round in the wetness that’s a poolin’ on that there slice of baloney. That’ll be five dollars, ma’am.”

Official Subway protocol is to wear gloves made of see-through plastic film, but Bourbon’s hands are so clammy that “the little rapscallions just slip right off yonder into that fella’s sammie. Don’t even get [him] started on them avocadees.” In an effort to establish apartheid, Bourbon’s manager Julio Mendez has made numerous accommodations.

“I put the air conditioning down to 60 [degrees Fahrenheit] and still the man’s hands are clammy. So clammy,” said Mendez in between belts from a flask. “I’m at a loss. I’d fire him, but I’ve already let William go three times. He won’t leave.” Mendez then locked himself in the bathroom, dry-sobbing.

The Subway has received 46 complaints in the last week alone, and over 20 individuals with documented cases of food poisoning claim their illness originated from the location. A total of four children that were serviced by Bourbon are dead, or in the hospital or something. Whatever.

When confronted with these statistics, all Bourbon had to say for himself was, “You know man, I just gotta keep on keepin’ on. My great-great-grandpappy di’n’t fight and die in the War of Secession—defendin’ Rebel Soil—so I could not work in this here sammie shoppe. Hell no, man.” 

What lies in the sandwich artisan’s future? Bourbon says it best himself. “I been thinkin’ ’bout going back to junior college ’n finally gettin’ my masseusin’ ‘credidation.”

Area Man Set to Use Coupons on First Date

BY BOSSY BOOTS

Danny Casey’s (above left) thrifty hijinks aren’t fooling Lisa Lloyd (right) into fucking him anytime soon.

SUNSET BEACH, CA – Danny Casey, 53, sent shockwaves and wide-spread eye-rolling through North Orange County/South Long Beach’s single, middle-aged, white, female community early Saturday morning with an alleged mention of coupon-use on a potential date with Lisa Lloyd, 51.

According to Don Allen, a bartender, the two purchased a pitcher of Margaritas around 11pm at the Sunset Beach Bar & Grill, and spent the evening picking selections from Heart and Rush for the jukebox. Allen recalls Lloyd yelling “This is so my song!” multiple times.

But, after lip-syncing to “Barracuda,” Lisa suddenly, “went out to lunch…I’ve seen some messed-up women, but I’ll tell ya, the you-know-what hit the fan. She just ran out of the bar yelling ‘I’m worth it!’” said Allen.

Lisa Lloyd, a time-share sales associate, said, “I was sitting there and he had the fuckin’ nerve to be all, ‘Hey baby, I wanna take you to this Sushi place I know sometime. I got a two-for-one coupon.’ I’m not a bitch. I know I’m a catch, and I’ve just had enough of men not giving me the dinners I deserve. And I use ‘dinners’ literally and symbolically. You can’t get either of those at a place that has coupons.”

Lloyd’s torrent of self-esteem may have been the result of more than just Margaritas. Lloyd recently joined SALI (Single And Loving It) a local support group for “single, motivated, independent women” that originated at a candlelight gift party in a Huntington Beach home 6 years ago. The group’s charter states that among other personal goals, SALI aims to, “Use public humiliation in order to teach men the obvious errors of their pig ways wherever possible.”

When presented with this information, Danny Casey stated, “Hey, I just wanted to take her to dinner. I’m not made of money, I don’t have one of those money trees, ya know? But I also didn’t mean to upset their lady-club. It sounds kinda hot, actually.”

Representatives from SALI refused to comment on Lloyd’s actions, but did respond to Casey’s statement calling it “typical.”

When asked if Casey planned on using his coupon line again, Casey stated, “Oh yeah. There’s gotta be a lady out there that loves an old-fashioned guy, and old-fashioned deals.”

More like Scumdog Millionaire...

I don’t understand how Slumdog Millionaire won so many awards at the Oscars last night. I mean, have you seen how many foreigners are in that movie? 

God…

When will we ever learn, America?

-Local Son-of-a-Bitch

I feel so used....

I’m still the youngest guy here at the Grunion and everyone tries to take advantage of me. They just made me shit into the printer. It was soo embarrassing. I said I didn’t want to do it but Sexual Randy held a knife up to me and said that he would stab me in the cornea and then fuck me in the eyehole if I didn’t. Then afterwords they told me that it was the best thing I’d ever be able to put on paper.

please help me…

-Tangerine Balls

Healing

The Frothy Sea just made me try out this blog thing. To be honest, I’m kind of disappointed. I was promised hookers, cocaine, and pixie sticks to mix in with the goodies. I like to throw some cherry-grape-coke into the little nooks on the hookers’ napes, snort it out, and then make Tangerine Balls shit in the printer. It’s a guaranteed good night.

Fuck all y’alls.

-Sexual Randy

Breaking News

I came into the Grunion basement this morning only to find Tangerine Balls stooped over our printer, shitting into the paper tray. What was coming out the other end was the best content he has ever produced for this publication. And I am not one to exaggerate.

-The Frothy Sea

God Dammit

I can hear Bear sleeping on the couch from here. He’s pretty loud. He’s grumbling in his sleep. I can’t quite make it out, but it sounds like he’s saying something about emails…

Could you do the guy a favor and email him something? anything? Even if it’s just a link to google… His email address is bear.grun@gmail.com

Don’t tell him I said anything.

-Tangerine Balls

Man, the internet is awesome.

just look at this antelope!

-Tangerine Balls

Hello World.

Hello from the grunion basement. 
This is Tangerine Balls…

I think I speak for everyone here in the basement when I say that we have a lot of free time down here…
We don’t even get to go on the internet most of the time. The one computer we have down here belongs to Sophisticated Bear and he’s always using it to check his email (even though I don’t think he’s gotten more than one or two emails in the past month and a half) it’s pretty awful… Actually, that’s not true, we have gotten a few emails from this bitch named Samantha Trevors, but other than that, I don’t think he’s gotten anything. 

He just went to sleep, which means that I probably have a few months. Look foreword to seeing some good stuff on here.

So anyways, I’d start posting to this blog by saying that I hope you guys have been liking our stuff lately, but I honestly don’t give a fuck.

Till next time,
-Balls